Self portrait, 2022 (Fujifilm X-T2, 16-55mm f/2.8)

Properly exposing a photograph involves setting your camera to pick up details in the brightest areas and realizing much of the image may live in the shadows. That darkness is the rock-bottom, the zero-point, from which the light stands out; it makes you lean in closer. In my moody self portrait above, I set my camera to pick up the detail on my face, and in doing so sent most of the image into complete darkness.

Happiness and suffering are temporary, and this fleeting nature creates scarcity that gives these things value. We all know to savor the good times, but I think it's harder to use the same lesson to realize the bad times will be over soon, too. Mindfulness teaches us to be aware of strong emotions and how they affect our thinking and feelings. Importantly, it doesn't teach us to run from these strong emotions, but instead give space before strong reactions. There is value in realizing how we're feeling, and in not immediately jumping to do something about it.

I felt like shit today. I know big picture it isn't as bad as when I've dealt with bouts of depression, but I had this unexplained feeling of "piece of shit" that just didn't go away. I've spent enough time trying to fight this feeling, so today I tried to take in the lessons above from mindfulness and just be aware of it. I called in sick from work for the afternoon (and left my coworkers to fend for themselves amongst an urgent pile of work) and laid in bed until it was dark out. I lowered expectations of myself, listened to podcasts, and made some soup. While I made it through the day, the feelings hadn't gone away.

I learned the strategy of a "mental record-button" from a screenwriting podcast. When we're feeling strong emotions and really in-it, it's helpful to see that blinking red dot in the corner, so later we can remember what it's like to think in this strange and irrational way. Tonight, I used my camera to hit an actual record-button and express how I was feeling through photography.

My goal was to take a photo that represented how I feeling: sad. I set up my Photek Softlighter II and Godox AD200Pro strobe at an angle where light would barely hit one side of my face, and chose to use a darker seamless background and keep my black hoodie on so most of my body and the backdrop would lurk in the shadows of the photo. I don't even own a tripod, so I used an adapter on an extra light stand to setup my camera on the other side of the room.

I set the self-timer to 10 seconds, clicked the shutter, sat down and stared at my camera. I adjusted the light and tried again. I changed the focal length and my distance from the camera and tried again. I experimented for about an hour, with a bright flash coming from my bedroom every 30 or so seconds.

As I messed around, I started asking myself questions:

"How can I visually express how I'm feeling?"
"How can I express an abstract emotion through lighting?"
"How can I use my focal length to create a sense of intimacy?"

Then I realized that these are the questions I'd been ignoring over the last few weeks when I had been frantically taking portraits of others and panicking over the basic mechanics of lighting my subjects.

Forcing myself to sit in discomfort lead me to start thinking in even more creative ways than I could hope for in the good times. The loneliness gave me time to sit with photography and really ponder how I can capture something as complex and ethereal as human emotion. I used my tools to turn my own sad face into an open book. And the best part is I will have these lessons and photos to keep with me forever.

I want to remember this feeling. I want my life's highlights to be memorable becausethey stand in stark contrast to the darker times, instead of existing in a scale-less vacuum. Properly exposing a photograph involves setting your camera to pick up details in the brightest areas and realizing much of the image may live in the shadows.

This photo essay was strongly inspired by Sean Tucker's video essay: Embrace your Shadows: A lesson for Light and Life.

Matt Repplier is a 25 year old software engineer who loves photography, reflection and friends. This blog serves as his creative outlet and space to consider his experiences.

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